A young mother of two boys is happily married to a man with a promising career. They would consider themselves Christians and go to church on occasion. They would be your typical young middle-class married couple in almost any church anywhere. But there is a darkness in their lives that they would rather not talk about. And they don’t.

We don’t know the whole story and neither does it matter for our purposes, but somehow, someway they have been deeply offended by the young mother’s parents. They are also Christians but committed and involved in the church regularly. They are true believers. They also don’t talk about it.

Apologies have been made but not accepted. The relationship has been severed, cleanly and permanently (or so it seems) and there is nothing that the parents can do about it. What the children have been told about their grandparents, we don’t know. They will pay a high price for this unforgiveness, as justified as it may seem to the young mother in her anger and pain.

What can be done?

People are praying, of course, but nothing seems to be happening. Therapy, even Christian therapy, is ongoing for the parents. Birthdays and anniversaries are particularly difficult, and the suffering is ongoing. To say that the parents are heartbroken is an understatement.

It feels like an impossible situation to remedy. The young mother refuses to talk to anyone about it and certainly doesn’t recognize her sin of unforgiveness. The focus is entirely on the sin committed (whatever it was) and the need for justice (whatever that looks like). Perhaps time will heal this wound, but I doubt it. It’s been a couple of years already.

And if you think this is an isolated case in most churches, you would be wrong. Every church is filled with difficult relationships, full of hurt and resentment, and unforgiveness that exist under the surface of our religious exercises. Most pastors and religious leaders really don’t know what to do about it. They don’t have a focus on the ministry of reconciliation. They may pray for them and visit them and give them some comfort that they are not alone in their suffering, but not much else.

The point of this post is to try and describe the difference between a religious leader and an anointed spiritual leader and the best way to do that is in the context of the only thing that matters in the church. Healed relationships between the people and God and between the people of God in search of true spiritual unity.

The problem is that the religious leader is focused on everything else. He preaches well. He is a good administrator. He demonstrates good leadership skills. The music is uplifting and well-prepared. The local food bank gets regular donations, and they may even support an evangelistic effort such as the Alpha Program or a Marriage Encounter program. There are always good people in the church even if the pastor is more of a religious leader than an anointed one.

And who wants to make that kind of accusation to someone who is doing their best to be a good pastor in a world at war with itself? The problem is that a religious leader tends to follow his board, or his bishop, or the opinion of certain people in the church instead of following God in his uncomfortable, relationship healing ministry of reconciliation. After all, confession is dangerous, repentance difficult, forgiveness unfair, and true reconciliation almost always impossible. Unless the leader is willing to pay the price to lead his people in the ministry of reconciliation, no anointing is possible. It is a difficult road, this way of the cross, but Jesus walked it and we must follow, no matter the price. The status quo will be sacrificed on the altar of the cross. People may leave. They will certainly complain. Everyone wants things to stay the same and be comfortable. They come to church for a bit of inspiration and comfort not for real solutions and dangerous ministry.

The problem is that it just isn’t enough.

A religious leader is someone who has “the form of godliness but denies its power” (2 Timothy 3:5 NIV). The Bible would not consider these well-intentioned “dragons” to be true believers. The Bible is like that. It tends to be clear-cut about some things and the power to heal relationships is one of them. Perhaps the main one. Without transformation, what good is all these religious exercises every Sunday morning that even bore the most faithful followers? Christ came to heal relationships. Period. That was the purpose of the cross. That was why he suffered and died. No other reason. Not so that we can sing, and worship, and raise our hands and hear a good sermon, and go home to be good people who have no power to transform the human heart through the spirit of God. It just isn’t good enough.

Either we have the power to heal relationships, or we don’t. It starts with God, of course, but it continues with families and young mothers and parents and all the hurt and injustices and pain in the middle. And if we have been given that power to heal relationships as we exercise the Ministry of Reconciliation as the main focus of our spiritual leadership, well, then anything can happen.

So that is the question, isn’t it?

How can one become an anointed, spiritual leader and not fall into the trap of being merely a religious leader doing many things that have the “form of godliness” but without the power to actually make a difference? It is a question that we will attempt to answer over the next many posts in this series but here we will start with the basics.

And we haven’t forgotten the young mother caught in the trap of unforgiveness or the parents who would give anything to be reconciled with their daughter once again. It is in the context of real ministry to real people that we will find the answers we need. I’m not sure that a religious leader can become an anointed, spiritual leader without a profound, life-changing experience themselves. Perhaps they have yet to become true believers. I don’t know.

What I do know is that unless you, yourself, have not truly, deeply experienced that sense of dread that comes from knowing that you are full of sin and evil, that doing wrong is an option for you when you want something, that you are prone to rebel against the will of God, and you discover that the blood of Christ is sufficient for your hypocrisy, for your religiosity, for your wrong-headed, weak-kneed leadership up to this point. Unless you discover your sin, and dread its implications, and are full of shame, you cannot truly experience the relief and joy of forgiveness that is undeserved and unmerited because of the blood of Christ.

Christianity is not about justice but about grace and grace is the justice of God fulfilled by the love of God. That is the essence of his character, his glory, his grace toward us. But we need to feel that, and believe that in our gut, in our true experience, otherwise, it won’t make much of an impact. The theology is beautiful, but the experience is transforming. That transformation is at the heart of the anointed, spiritual leadership role.

And it is an ongoing experience in the process of sanctification as we follow Christ along that way of the cross in continual confession, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation as we join him in ministry, suffer for the gospel, and offer our lives as a living sacrifice so that others can see our testimony of true transformation and have hope for themselves and their relationships.

That is where it starts but that is not where it ends.

What about this young mother who is caught in the pit of unforgiveness and is blind to her own sin because of the hurt and injustice of the sin against her? It may look like an impossible situation, but nothing is impossible for God. However, the approach of the anointed leader is very different than the approach of the religious leader. And the difference has to do with the power to heal relationships through the blood of Christ.

In this particular case, I would suggest three main areas that need to be working together in order to bring the power of the blood to bear on this relationship. But first a word of warning. This is not magic. And there is a lot of magical thinking in the religious-minded church. A lot of prosperity theology and triumphalism that believes that they can apply the promises of God to a situation and believe in faith and it will happen every single time. Not so. Not even Jesus could do that. He prayed “Not my will, but your will be done.” God is in control. The question is whether or not we are in alignment with how God is acting, how he transforms people, and how he wants us to help in the process.

So, there are at least three areas where we have to get into alignment with God. In our thinking, in our praying, and in our worship. First of all, in our thinking. There are no coincidences when it comes to Christians. Everything happens for a reason. We may not know that reason but there is one and it is almost always a redemptive, gospel-based reason. God is in the business of healing relationships based on the gospel of the sufficiency of the blood of Christ and is building a church, an army that will go out into the world and share that good news, and apply it to broken relationships, everywhere they go. We know what God’s up to. The question is whether or not we are in alignment with his purposes in our lives.

So, this isn’t first of all about the young mother. The fact that she is caught in the pit of unforgiveness means that she is likely not a Christian herself, even though she may argue that she is. She is denying the sufficiency of the blood of Christ for this situation. It indicates that she, herself, has not yet experienced the redemptive relief of the gospel message for herself. Otherwise, she would know that there is forgiveness for every sin ever committed by anyone.

We will come back to her later, but one thing can be said now. This whole situation is very unusual. Even from a worldly perspective, whatever could cause someone to cut someone out of their lives so completely. Was there some sort of abuse of the children by the grandparents? Of course not. Did they murder her husband or reject him in some fundamental way? Of course not. The response seems way out of proportion to the crime (whatever that could have been). And that may be a clue that there is something else going on, that there is spiritual warfare at work, that God is up to something bigger than we can imagine. We will get back to this shortly.

For now, let’s focus on the ministry to the parents, who are Christians, and who need an anointed, spiritual leader to lead them in ministry to their daughter. You heard that right. Now is the time for the parents to spiritually minister to their daughter. They need to get past the hurt, to interpret the hurt and suffering in gospel terms, to realize what is truly going on. This isn’t just about godly parents enduring a difficult situation with their daughter. It is always about the gospel.

When we pray that God would use us and accept us as a “living sacrifice” (Romans 12:1,2 NIV), we are saying that we are willing to suffer for the gospel so that those around us can see that we are different, we are transformed, that the change is real and therefore they can hope for the same experience. We are praying that God would use our testimony for the sake of the salvation of our children, our grandchildren, our family, our friends, our church family, even those we don’t know, even those we don’t like very much, even enemies.

Given the extreme reaction of the daughter, the suspicion is that there is a spiritual battle going on for her soul, for her salvation. Can you imagine if God breaks through this unforgiving spirit, and she is broken before the cross with an understanding that her unforgiveness is a far bigger crime against God than anything her parents might have said or done? Can you imagine the dread and the shame replaced by grace and love and the redemptive relief that brings joy and peace that lasts into eternity? Not only will she truly become a believer, but she is now prepared for a lifetime of ministry to others, caught in the same pit of unbelief and unforgiveness. This kind of situation has been the match used by God to ignite renewal and revival in many places around the world. Anything can happen.

Of course, there is no guarantee that that will happen, but we know that that kind of outcome is in alignment with God’s purpose for the world and his people. Whether or not the daughter will have or accept that brokenness before the cross of Christ remains to be seen. We like to believe that people have a say in the matter. All I can say is that “Aslan is on the move” and we want to be helping him in every way that we can.

So, getting our thinking right about what is going on is the crucial first step. God is doing something, and we need to get with the program. That should bring some hope to the parents at the very least but they, of all people, also need to get to work in terms of their ministry to their daughter.

But she won’t speak to them. How will they minister to her?

In prayer and worship for now. Speaking may come later but that is usually better done by a third party. Less emotional involvement if you know what I mean. So, they can certainly start praying that God would bring someone into her life that she would listen to and who would clearly and lovingly point out that this unforgiving spirit indicates that she isn’t a Christian. If that message can be clearly delivered, that would be a wonderful first step.

The one who has great authority in prayer is the one who has been sinned against. The parents have been sinned against by this spirit of unforgiveness regardless of anything they may have said or done to their daughter (that is a separate issue). They have the authority to pray and be heard by God because they are Christians, certainly, because they are parents, even more, but mostly because they come before the throne of God having forgiven their daughter and applying the blood of Christ to her sin against them and pleading on her behalf for her salvation and transformation.

They pray with authority but not with arrogance. Authority delegated to them by God doesn’t allow them to assume anything, but that God is always in charge. His intentions are good, and it certainly looks like he is up to something wonderful. It may look impossible to get the daughter to take her eyes off of the offence of the parents and look into her own heart but that is what the conviction of sin is all about. It is always a miracle of grace. The point is to pray with authority in alignment with the purposes and will of God in faith that he is at work and will do what is good, pleasing, and acceptable (Romans 12:2 NIV).

I can almost hear people saying that they are praying, they are worshipping God, they have a team of people praying for reconciliation. All fine and good but that is not enough. The prayer needs to be anointed and that has to do with the people who are praying, whether they are right with God and others, whether they, themselves, have forgiven and reconciled with everyone they can think of, whether their lives are in alignment with God’s purposes for them, whether they are focused on the ministry of reconciliation as they walk the way of the cross.

It isn’t just about prayer but rather about anointed prayer, transformative prayer that comes from transformed hearts in alignment with God.

Praying with authority in alignment with the redemptive purposes of God is essential but it should be wrapped in worship, and not just any worship, but the worship of faith. We believe that God is up to something redemptive either in the daughter’s life or someone else who is watching. We may not know exactly who until we are with him in glory, but we believe that God is doing something because we are Christians, his children, and nothing happens that is coincidental, or accidental, or unimportant. Something is going on. Pray about it in faith and worship in faith.

As one songwriter puts it, “I raise a hallelujah in the presence of my enemies.” It isn’t just about the daughter. There is spiritual warfare going on. We battle against “the spiritual forces of evil” (Ephesians 6:12 NIV). That is always true when it comes to the ministry of reconciliation. This is where the heat of the battle is, where the fighting is fiercest, where the Devil gives no quarter, and where only the death of the son of God was sufficient to overcome the Evil One. It isn’t just about spiritual fervor but about obedience in getting our own relationships right based on the blood of Christ.

Nothing could be worse than the daughter just giving up and deciding for the sake of the kids to let it go, sweep it under the rug, let time heal the wounds, and allow things to get back to the way they were. God went to all this trouble to allow this situation to develop the way it did to bring a redemptive, transformative solution to the situation that truly heals, truly transforms people and relationships. Anything less than the blood of Christ as a solution would be a tragedy.

Get others to pray and worship in faith and anointing not just share the suffering and pain. Interpret the suffering and pain as the price of spiritual warfare for the gospel. Perhaps it is the son that needs to see the approach and transformation of the parents. Perhaps it is a sister or a friend who needs to see the suffering turned into suffering for the gospel, to see the defeat turned into ministry, to see the priority of the ministry of reconciliation in their lives in all their relationships. Perhaps this is about the parents who need a refresher course in the way of the cross and need to get right with God and others so that their ministry has more power and authority to transform lives.

The problem is not on God’s side, it is on our side. We are the ones who are prone to the religious spirit. We are the ones who get lazy in our relationships, and who stop getting so involved in spiritual warfare as we focus on the ministry of reconciliation. Perhaps the daughter needs to see this anointed, spiritual leadership reignited in her parents before she can be broken at the foot of the cross. I don’t know. But I know God and that is what he wants from us.

Start with ourselves. Get our thinking straight and go to war on behalf of our loved ones (and others) in prayer and worship as well as speaking truth to them (if we have the chance to do so). And it will spread. Other people will start to work on their relationships with God and their families. Confession of sins. Repentance. Forgiveness based on the sufficiency of the blood of Christ, and true reconciliation will start to happen. In the parent´s lives, in the lives of those who want to join in the fight for the soul and salvation of their daughter, in the pastor´s life. That is how revivals start.

No matter what happens, one thing will be certain. The religious spirit will have been broken, the anointing will come, and nothing will ever be the same again.