Many years ago, when I was a young Pastor, a friend from Bible College came to visit me. It was strange because he was considered a bit of a “golden boy” who was destined for great things. I wondered why he came to see me of all people. His wife and children were in town, and they were separated and about to get divorced. He wanted to talk.

I have to admit that I handled it badly. She came to visit me and told me that he was violent and had emotional problems. She was also from the same Bible College, and I knew her somewhat as well. For some reason, the Lord gave me the job of ministering to these two.

The truth is that I had no idea what I was doing. I was frustrated and angry and just wanted them to go away. I had my own marital problems to deal with. I ended up being very tough on the husband and telling him to let go of his demands that she reconcile with him. That’s not the kind of thing you can demand from someone after all. But I felt dirty and uncomfortable when he left.

I haven’t seen them since, but I heard that they got divorced and were living in another city in Canada. Within two years I was in the same situation. My relationship with the church went to pot, my wife left me (and the country) with the kids and I found myself alone and desperate for a solution that just eluded me completely. I didn’t know what to do. This kind of thing isn’t supposed to happen to Christians, is it?

What I realize now is that my friend from Bible College suffered spiritual abuse at my hands not just because I could not lead him in the Way of the Cross and help him reconcile with his wife but because I used my authority as a Pastor to force him to comply with her wishes and get a divorce. Yes, I call it spiritual abuse because I used my authority as a Pastor to coerce someone into doing something that I wanted him to do. Right or wrong. I was not focused on him or his spiritual needs.

It may be a mild form of spiritual abuse compared to some other stories I’ve heard but that isn’t the point. All of us are guilty of it at one point or another. The use of authority in spiritual matters in a way that coerces people to your will is spiritual abuse. It may have many faces, but the core problem is the abuse of authority by religious leaders.

Spiritual abuse happens when someone in authority uses religious beliefs to control you, scare you, or hurt you in some way. It includes emotional, physical, and mental abuse but happens in the context of a religious environment. Often it is focused on someone who wants you to believe or participate in some sort of religious practice and you don’t want to. This can also be true in marriages where one of the parents insists, against the will of the other, in bringing their children up in a certain religious environment and expects the other to participate against their will.

In extreme cases, spiritual abuse can become systematic in the context of a cult and lead to manipulation of a kind that can put your life in danger. Think drinking cool aid laced with arsenic in a South American country. But in less extreme cases, it can exist in almost every church and be perpetuated to some degree by almost every religious leader.

That’s a scary thought.

Again, it is part of the religious spirit that has so invaded our churches in this modern world. In some cases, it is a question of an occasional forage into the evil of spiritual abuse that we must confess and repent of as leaders in our churches on an individual basis or situation. In other cases, it is more systematic, especially in churches where the leaders are caught up in the web of religiosity. Any attempt to exert power or control over someone using your authority as a Pastor or leader especially using some sort of belief system, unhealthy expectations, or accountability is spiritual abuse. This may happen regularly in a religious church and is most often done by religious leaders.

But none of us are immune to these attacks by the Devil.

Remember my story in the last post of our “friend” who was expected to show up at all the meetings, be accountable for all of her actions, and who often arrived late to the meetings because of her job? The Pastor got fed up with her and told her that if she didn’t straighten out, he would not pray for her anymore. That is spiritual abuse.

When we had a worship night with a visiting singer/songwriter and we entered into a time of prayer and worship with the lights down low and the Spirit was moving and changing hearts, the Pastor decided that it was taking too long. She was not part of the process and was just visiting and sitting at the back. She came over to the control booth and told us that it was time to end the service and then she left. So, the other person I was working with turned on all of the lights which came as a shock to everyone. It only lasted three or four seconds before I was able to turn them off again in defiance of the Pastor’s wishes. But that, too, is spiritual abuse.

When the facilities are more important than the people, that is spiritual abuse.

When the poor and homeless are turned away because they stink up the chairs and they only come for coffee and pastries, that is spiritual abuse.

When the Alpha Program videos are only shown in English when ninety percent of the people in the audience speak Spanish and can hardly read the subtitles, just because the Pastor says so (and claims that the Board insists on it), that is spiritual abuse.

Whenever the Pastor promises one thing but then listens to the Board or other leaders in the church against the best interests of the people, it is spiritual abuse.

But it can become an entire system of spiritual abuse when a toxic faith system has been developed in the church. The toxic faith system has certain beliefs, certain ways of doing things, and certain expectations of accountability, submission, and behavior that are implemented by the religious leaders in a way that prioritizes their authority rather than their relationship with the parishioner.

You see how they are connected?

Whether we are talking about manipulation and exploitation on the one hand or the use of authority out of frustration and exasperation, it is still spiritual abuse. I have done it more than once myself and I am deeply sorry for it. I hope to be able to locate these people I spoke about and ask for their forgiveness sometime before I pass.

I have been a Pastor in a toxic environment with leaders who were extremely religious. I have been a parishioner in a religious church for years, although now it is changing with our new pastor. My wife’s original church background is filled with the religious spirit at a toxic belief system level, and we have a number of experiences there as well. So, we are not blind to the devastation that spiritual abuse can cause people.

The misuse of Pastoral authority or any kind of leadership authority in the church is the exact opposite of what Jesus taught his disciples. On the one hand, he claimed that we are not like worldly leaders who “lord it over” others but rather that we serve one another in love (Matthew 20:25-29 NIV). That should be enough for us to see how to manage our positional authority. But Paul also points out that Jesus has appointed some to be pastors, some evangelists, and so on. He is the one that decides what roles we play, not us and not the Pastors. And those roles are there to teach and lead the church in effective ministry (Ephesians 4:ll-16 NIV).

But we still get it wrong. Many Pastors think that they are the chiefs, and the rest of the people are the Indians there to do their bidding. That may be harsh but true. The Pastors have the training, they know what to do, they have the right ideas about things, why should they not be in charge of the strategy for running and growing the church. Everyone else is there to do what needs to be done. Isn’t that obvious?

No, it’s not.

Let me give you an example. My wife has been a kindergarten teacher all of her life. You would think that she is the perfect candidate for the Sunday School committee. But she also has other gifts than just her creational gifts. What about her spiritual gifts? She offered to help in the church, but they would listen to what God was calling her to do, rather they just put her in a slot that needed to be filled. That is spiritual abuse. Maybe a mild form of it but still abuse. Why? Because it isn’t focused on the person and their gifts and their spiritual growth but upon the Pastor and the leaders and what they want to accomplish.

The religious spirit is a dangerous element in the church, and it has many faces. It expresses itself in toxic beliefs which can easily become an entire system that makes the church ineffective in ministry. Those toxic beliefs are then used by the religious leaders to keep people in line and avoid any kind of change or growth that would lead to effective ministry. The status quo is everything and change is unwelcome. There isn’t much you can do in that kind of environment other than pray.

The problem is that it is more common than the common cold and Pastors and Leaders have to keep a strict eye on themselves and each other to make sure that toxic beliefs are not imposed on people through the use of their positional authority.

You know the solution to all of this, don’t you?

A church that is anointed with an effective ministry rooted in the work of the Holy Spirit cannot abide religiosity or spiritual abuse. It has an inborn sensitivity to it because the approach is the exact opposite. The focus is on the people and the attitude is that they are the glorious children of God that must be treated as such even when they continue to sin. The ministry is one of reconciliation and forgiveness and there is power in that healing combination. Change is constant and ongoing and leads to spiritual growth. The leaders are trained in the dangers of the religious spirit and the toxic faith systems that it produces. They are taught to not function from a place of positional authority but from a position of spiritual authority.

The truth is that the truth will set you free. The truth about what the church is all about. The truth about who these people are to God. The truth about your role as a Pastor or a Leader. The truth about the humility of confession and repentance that should mark our lives but that we avoid at all costs, especially as leaders. The truth that the anointing of God is available to all of us and every church if we follow Christ in his suffering for the gospel by taking up our cross and following him daily as we confess, repent, forgive, and reconcile with people and help them do the same with God and others.

That focus on the ministry of reconciliation solves so many of the religious problems of the church that I would rather focus on that. But the truth is that we need to be aware of the Devil’s schemes at the same time (Ephesians 6:11 NIV) and then learn how to use the spiritual armor that God provides to go to war against him. The ministry of reconciliation is spiritual warfare after all. Be vigilant and alert because the Devil is looking for those he can devour (1 Peter 5:8 NIV). Paul took the whole spiritual battle so seriously that he even rebuked those who would slander the fallen angels as if they had some sort of authority or protection from them. That kind of pride can get you into trouble. Peter even pointed out that God’s angels don’t slander fallen angels (2 Peter 2:11 NIV).

Perhaps we also need to get more serious in our spiritual warfare, not with the pride of our position in Christ but with the humility of our shared burden for the lost, focused not on the evil around us, but aware of it and then using the gifts, fruit, discipline and armor of God with a focus on the ministry of reconciliation. That’s what Paul did. That’s what the other disciples did. That’s what we need to do as well. This is serious stuff, but God has given us a way to overcome if we walk in his footsteps as he walks the way of the cross. There is no other way and it is essential that we find it and walk in it.

Otherwise, the religious spirit with its web of toxic beliefs enforced with spiritual abuse will get worse and worse until we no longer have a way out of that web of lies and deceit. In fact, we won’t even recognize it anymore because it will become a part of our thoughts, beliefs, and justifications. After all, there is a reason why leaders, pastors, and teachers will be doubly judged and more strictly disciplined (James 3:1 NIV).

Is there hope?

Of course, but only if we follow Christ in the way of the cross, confessing, repenting, forgiving, and reconciling, and then leading others to do the same. That focus will teach us to treat each person with the utmost respect as the glorious children of God that they are and, at the same time, teach us the humility to recognize that we are all sinners in need of the righteousness of Christ.

And if you think I am making all of this up as if forgiveness and the ministry of reconciliation is not spiritual warfare, listen to Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 2: 10,11 NIV. “If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven – if there was anything to forgive – I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

Recognizing that toxic faith and spiritual abuse exist in our churches and our ministries is the first step. Doing something about it is the key to change and effective ministry. “Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant – not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life” (2 Corinthians 3: 4b-6 NIV).

Walking in the Spirit as a church, as a Pastor, as a Leader or Teacher in the ministry is key. Grieving the Spirit corporately and individually can lead to all kinds of spiritual problems and put us in danger of the Devil's schemes. There is no middle ground either as individuals or as a ministry team. The only solution and protection is full surrender to the way of the cross in the ministry of reconciliation. That is the way. Blessed are those who walk in it.